@daemonic3

[watching avengers endgame when Thanos first appears on screen]

me: [whispers to girlfriend] that’s Thermos

You Might Also Like

@miliondollameat

me: wow the stars are beautiful

gf: omg babe they really are

me: u know who else is beautiful?

gf: *blushes* who? :3

me: Harambe

@RidiculousSheri

Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.

@UncleDuke1969

[date]

EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]

REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”

@LostFelicia

Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.

@khook32

If this cat doesn’t stop trying to lick my plate, we’re having Chinese for dinner tomorrow.

@Ygrene

Me: *buys item from online retailer*

Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW

@UnFitz

*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*

@BackrowSeats

Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have herpes. Laugh all you want. You’ll still have herpes.

@stephenjmolloy

*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”