me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
[watching avengers endgame when Thanos first appears on screen]
me: [whispers to girlfriend] that’s Thermos
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Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
If this cat doesn’t stop trying to lick my plate, we’re having Chinese for dinner tomorrow.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
no one likes gloating
Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have herpes. Laugh all you want. You’ll still have herpes.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”