*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
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Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
every single time
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Hank is one in a melon.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.