[watching avengers endgame when Thanos first appears on screen]

me: [whispers to girlfriend] that’s Thermos

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me: wow the stars are beautiful

gf: omg babe they really are

me: u know who else is beautiful?

gf: *blushes* who? :3

me: Harambe


Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.



Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]

Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”


Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.


If this cat doesn’t stop trying to lick my plate, we’re having Chinese for dinner tomorrow.


Me: *buys item from online retailer*

Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW


*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*


Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have herpes. Laugh all you want. You’ll still have herpes.


*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”