[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
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Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
A lot of people think that the funniest people are actually the most depressed on the inside but I have a comedian friend who’s pretty depressed and he’s one of the worst comedians I know
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
people think 👼 is the angel emoji but 🍪 is actually much closer to the biblical description
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
I was eating sour haribo sweets at the movies one time and I rubbed my eyes and my mates have teased me for years about “crying” over a fucking Avengers movie
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Duck typos.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.