Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
You Might Also Like
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
If you show up to a baby shower holding a sickle, nobody complains that you didn’t bring a gift.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
What
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.