Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“How much is it to sign up for a library card?”
“It’s free.”
“But what does it cost?”
“Nothing, it’s free.”
“No, how much money is it to sign up though?”
“I swear it’s free.”
“Never mind, I’ll ask at the other desk.”

Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.

Baker: So, two loaves of bread?

Me: yes two please.

My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.

It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.

Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.

wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP

me: who’s all gonna be there

One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.

never stops being funny

Be the reason someone burns sage.

I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.

“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack

I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.

Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine

How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?

instagram: look at my new boyfriend

twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend

reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours

why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean

I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.

I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.

My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.

Steven: I love you

Stephen: I lophe you too

Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?

Me: Violently.

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer: No further questions.

My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”

Have kids. It’s fun.

the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”

Me: I can never tell what girls want

Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.

Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?

[making tennis equipment at 3AM]

neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket

[Putting on a fitted sheet]

Me: Dammit this is the short side.

Me: This is somehow also the short side.

Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.

one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom

Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?

My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.

THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…

ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”