Siri just said I’m looking for love in all the wrong places so I’m tryin to figure out what happened to Siri and how my mom got in my phone.
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
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I see you are eating seafood at a midwest Chinese buffet. I, too, like to live dangerously.
Counselor: Why do you resent your wife
Me: She made me get out of line for Springsteen tix
M: Something about her water breaking
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
He had salt and pepper hair. There was also a hint of oregano. And bay leaves. His entire head was a bottle of Italian seasoning.
How many DUIs does Tony Hawk have that he has to ride everywhere on a skateboard?
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
The best part about getting up to get an apple is when you come back with Doritos.