@LoveNLunchmeat

[watching basketball]

I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.

And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.

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@lilgapeach30

Siri just said I’m looking for love in all the wrong places so I’m tryin to figure out what happened to Siri and how my mom got in my phone.

@thebeckyard

I see you are eating seafood at a midwest Chinese buffet. I, too, like to live dangerously.

@gruffybeard

Counselor: Why do you resent your wife

Me: She made me get out of line for Springsteen tix

C: Why

M: Something about her water breaking

@aksorojas

I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.

@six_2_and_even

He had salt and pepper hair. There was also a hint of oregano. And bay leaves. His entire head was a bottle of Italian seasoning.

@ScorpionDong

How many DUIs does Tony Hawk have that he has to ride everywhere on a skateboard?

@LilBlueBlood

Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.

Because that child would not be OK today.

@alexlumaga

Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first

@salamingia

The best part about getting up to get an apple is when you come back with Doritos.