[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
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[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?