[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
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we shouldn’t call bad opinions “hot takes.” people like to be hot. they should be called something disgusting. tell people they “took a glumpy one”
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection