Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[tinder date]

me: oh wow this is awkward

sunset: *just kinda sets there*

me: but i thought you were, you know

sunset: *still setting*

me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh

sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*

I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already

The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains

UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god

Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”

Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.

Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.

Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.

Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.

*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”

“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season

Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.

me: *googling* am I dying

web md: nope just sad

me: oh good

web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh

me: that’s fair

web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent

me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again

KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk

ME: but this tree is so tiny

owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island

Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*

Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats

Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway

The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.

An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.

*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews

I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.

Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes

If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.

speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food

There’s a rhyming Italian expression for saying “take it or leave it” that goes o mangi questa minestra o salti dalla finestra. It means “either eat this soup or throw yourself out the window”

We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.

Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?

Him: Just flush him down the toilet

Me: Gotcha. And the fish?

People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.

Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.

I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”

Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.

– me as a therapist