[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
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It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
Is this you?
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.