@LoveNLunchmeat

[watching Boogie Nights]

age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.

age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?

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@psybermonkey

Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months

Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert

Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know

Me: what?

Nurse: Coldplay sucks

@sixfootcandy

(Breaks car window to save a dog)
Guy: I’m in the car!
Me: Yeah but it’s hot
Him: The AC is on!
Me: Can I get in? It’s really hot out here.

@Staggfilms

PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!

BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!

SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!

@Roweboat13G

Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.

@simoncholland

At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.

@Rollinintheseat

I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.

@XplodingUnicorn

1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*

Me: Why is she so loud?

Wife: That’s how she talks.

Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.

@PanicRestroom

What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?

@craiguito

First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming