@LoveNLunchmeat

[watching Boogie Nights]

age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.

age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?

You Might Also Like

@Thynebear

If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.

@daisysunshine90

I need a man, not a boy. They will have much more structurally sound ideas for me to bypass the lava floor and make it to the blanket fort.

@NinjaFuneral

Someone outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I feel like it would take longer than that…

@SadieSkyNinja

My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.

@NinjaSweatpants

Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears

@WheelTod

Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”

@Vodkantots

[to other patients in psychiatrist’s waiting room]

I’m not like you people. This is court mandated.

@RubyBottoms

The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?

@RawspberryJamb

“If you love something, set it free. If it comes back it’s yours”

– Inventors of boomerangs

@DrunksWithGuns

Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.

Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.