Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Two rotisserie chickens.

One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.

I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.

‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’

~dogs in therapy

– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7

My dad was diagnosed with ornamental iron deficiency. He’s supposed to lick a metal handrail twice a day. I honestly feel doctors are just making things up.

The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.

*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*

*glamorously folds laundry

*seductively wipes off countertops

*slowly bends over to pick up toys

*sexily trips over the cat…

turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁

Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.

This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360

Wedding planning is organized crime.

Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.

Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.

Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people

Midwife: Support his head

*watches Forensic Files for tips*

*taps pencil*

*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*

*taps pencil*

*pauses*

*underlines it*

[marketing meeting]

Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?

The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children

Satan: What’s that?

God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.

Satan: I see. *invents screaming*

God: lol good one!

I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits

If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.

yeah 😭

Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.

My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord

All I’m saying is, maybe the designers of this statue could have worked a little harder to find an inspiring Rod Serling quote.

The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.

Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.

Thought you should know.

{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you

I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.

[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck

Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?

2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle