[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
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Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face