[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
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Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
My inexpensive home security system…
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
i went on a date with a guy who seemed normal over text but once we got a table and sat down he peppered the entire conversation with loud wwe impersonations and then mansplained wrestlemania until we paid the bill and i dipped tf out of there
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
Thank you 🥹
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
I put the p in pants.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE