Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him

My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS

i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.

WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!

Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”

Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas

Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all

Him: plays dead

honestly this was all i could see so i drew it

If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn

I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.

Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers

daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly

her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-

daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]

Invention of the hug:

“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”

If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile

*leads a conga line off of a bridge

I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.

Laundry:

Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days

You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs

God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?

I once drove a girl home from the pub and she spent the entire time messing with my car radio and changing the music then she said we should hang out sometime and I said “absolutely not”

I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves

So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.

Show me your pushy.

– Sean Connery shext

Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.

My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.

Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof

I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team

It must be hard for a vampire to floss their fangs when they can’t see their reflection in a mirror.

That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.