Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.

The cool thing about ignoring a notification is being surprised to see it over and over again

I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.

There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl

bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point

People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle

When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.

Or so I’ve been told.

Twice now.

David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.

Talk to the patient about controlling their anger? There’s a bite taken out of my steering wheel I am the wrongest of candidates for this task

If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.

I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”

Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby

Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills

Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.

Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.

Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!

Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.

I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)

Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!

Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.

It tastes good and that’s all that matters.

*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.

drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”

I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.

Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.

Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.

Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.

Hey
@Boeing
, my neighbor Gary that mows at 8 am, is saying a lot of bad things about your company. DM me for address.

Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.

I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.

Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name

Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.

My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums