Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Okay Benjamin, now I need you to go outside, point your nose up at the sky, and slowly start turning around. I’ll yell when I get a good signal.”

Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married you

Me: Apology accepted

😂😂😂

#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!

I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.

People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.

I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.

Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends

Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.

…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.

I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.

Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell

Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?

“I’LL BE BACH.”

I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly

Thursday thoughts from my late father…

“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”

I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.

Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”

I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.

[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille

Tonight my wife is making us watermelon mojitos and if you think you can’t find true love on the Internet well you’re wrong because that’s where she found the recipe.

If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again

Labreador

Seas the day!!!!

Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?

Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?

My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.

Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏

Me: You have bruises??

Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.

having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler

ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!

ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?

You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.

At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit

Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.