Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’

Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’

16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘

Me: *slam

Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.

That’s a lie.

On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.

The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.

“You should only have to tell them once”

– People with no children

Someone once told me it couldn’t be done, so do you know what I did? I immediately said, “Ok” and stopped trying and I’ve never been more relaxed.

*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree

Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.

Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons

People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.

My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”

goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back

Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom

I’ve faced more peer pressure to watch certain TV shows than to do drugs.

The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.

The fact that homeowners
associations exist is wild to me. You buy an entire house and some lady a couple doors down can tell you that you’re not allowed to display your antique frog statue and you have to pay a fine? insane.

Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you

We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup

it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”

“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”

1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…

Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.

I got pulled over ONE TIME when my daughter was with me and now whenever she sees a police car she says her own special little prayer of “please god let my mom drive normal”

As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:

“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”

Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.

Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.

– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery

There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.

My worst case scenarios:

•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.

I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.

My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.

[insect crime scene]

ant detective: do you have any suspects?

ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick