Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tammy is short for Tamuel

French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.

Me: Where’s the 5th?

FG: Cinq.

Me, dating.

Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.

Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?

My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.

I wonder if my date ever found her way out of that corn maze.

“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.

My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime

my buddy told me he was on a plane and they were like “is there a doctor on board” and he was like “im a paramedic” and they were like “no it’s ok we found a DOCTOR” and the doctor was like “uhhh i haven’t examined a patient since med school can we please bring the paramedic”

anyways turns out the person was just sleeping so everything was fine

Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after

[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK

[chamber of commerce]

harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn

the lady behind me in line at the grocery store saw my lil cake and was like ‘oh whats the occasion?’ maam the occasion is i have adult money and enjoy cake

so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO

Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.

Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…

Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?

Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.

Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.

not just anyone can be cremated. you have to urn it

If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.

Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead

(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)

I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes

Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?

prediction: there will be an earthquake 21 minutes ago

[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone

*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*

Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10.

Simple meth.

The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.

*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*

“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”

Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?