Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
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Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
Your Time On Earth Is Limited. Don’t Try To “Age With Grace,” Age With Mischief, Audacity, And A Good Story To Tell.😉💂🏻♀️👋🏻🇬🇧🍻
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
Can’t. Just put my hair in a bun and that’s just about enough exercise for today.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
I wonder if babies know that we are more terrified of them than they are of us
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Leaving the house forgetting my keys, and then crawling through a window , is not good way to start the day…
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try