Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
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never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Not much more embarrassing than going to play hoops with a friend and they’re thinking basketball and you’ve guessed hula.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Go hard or stay average
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Holy crap this is wonderful
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice