Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
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Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
*puts my mental health in rice
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.
Anyway he didn’t call.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not