[watching Chef Ramsay berate yet another dolt]

Me: *peeling a banana like a potato* what audacity believing they belonged in a kitchen

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The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white


The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.

So technically, I was on the news tonight.


What I say to my son: “Get dressed.”
His interpretation: “Stand around naked watching television with one sock on.”


I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.


[invention of surfing]

“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”


[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water


I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.


Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.


My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.


[hardware store]

Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff

Wife: Fine

Clerk: Can I help you?

Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails