@noodlegrip

[watching Chef Ramsay berate yet another dolt]

Me: *peeling a banana like a potato* what audacity believing they belonged in a kitchen

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@RandallOtisTV

The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white

@CruisinSoozan

The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.

So technically, I was on the news tonight.

@sarahdelri0

What I say to my son: “Get dressed.”
His interpretation: “Stand around naked watching television with one sock on.”

@abraveturtle

I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.

@chuuew

[invention of surfing]

“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”

@rockymomax

[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water

@UnFitz

I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.

@AmericanGent69

Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.

@andrybd

My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.

@XplodingUnicorn

[hardware store]

Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff

Wife: Fine

Clerk: Can I help you?

Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails