Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
My dream job is getting paid to dream
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.