[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Me: [cracks open a can of beer]
Priest in confessional: “What was that noise?”
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Goat cheese is for herders.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
courtroom exchange of the day
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
If we start dating now, we could be feeding each other deviled eggs on Thanksgiving, and breaking up before we have to exchange gifts for Christmas.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
*child becomes teenager*
Me: is it too late to rethink having children
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems
