[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
At some point, we need to be conscious of what kind of world we’re leaving behind for our limited edition beanie babies.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
pov you are seriously underestimating how big whales are
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Shout out to the racoon or drunk person messing with my trashcans right now. Thank you for laughs, making me feel more sober than I am, and making me double check my doors are locked.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
