I feel so bad for all these women that give me their phone numbers and when I call the line has been disconnected
This economy is ruthless.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
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*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ?I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ?Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ?In an octopus’s garden
Hey girl, are you an obelisk, because I’m trying to learn what an obelisk is through process of elimination
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
“And what will you do if you’re crowned Miss Universe?”
“I will have a special prosecutor put the first runner up in jail.”