[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
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Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no