[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
