Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
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Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.