@NinjaSweatpants

Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food

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@Book_Krazy

My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.

@JB4Realz

I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.

@ObscureGent

[first day as a paramedic]

How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?

@KevinFarzad

I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you

@theevilwriter

The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.

Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.

@DaddyJew

Don’t do drugs kids. Give that shit to your parents. They’ve had a long day.

@Tbone7219

My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on

@djdarrellripley

(Sigh) I must be getting older. I just read a whole book about a giant sperm whale called Moby Dick and I didn’t giggle once…

@TheRealPalMal

[Family BBQ]

Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!

Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.