Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food

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My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.


I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.


[first day as a paramedic]

How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?


I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you


The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.

Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.


Don’t do drugs kids. Give that shit to your parents. They’ve had a long day.


My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on


(Sigh) I must be getting older. I just read a whole book about a giant sperm whale called Moby Dick and I didn’t giggle once…


[Family BBQ]

Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!

Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.