Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
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Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
If I could have lunch with anyone, alive or dead, I would choose alive, because dead people won’t pass the f***ing salt.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
🤣🤣🤣
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
knights of the ikea table
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
a lot to unpack here
Morning all.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
The smoothest fall of all time
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
When I was 20 my hairdresser pointed out my first gray hair.
It’s weird how she was never seen or heard from again.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.