Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
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How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
blocked.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.