Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
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Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
My wife gives the best headache.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.