Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
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Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
Breaking news:
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
Why am I like this?
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me