One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
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Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
The worst is when you text someone and they text you back 2 hrs later but you already keyed their car and emailed their secrets to everyone.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!