Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
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New tinder profile pic
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast