Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.

Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.

[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]

*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?

Wife: Please go wait in the car

I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”

When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.

WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?

Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”

Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”

Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron

Mission control: what’s happening up there??

Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem

H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft

Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).

Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot

I threw away garbage.

In the garbage can.

The day after garbage day.

My husband is horrified with me.

I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.

[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]

“You see? She is both dead and al-”

“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”

I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.

Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something

“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*

Hey babe, are you my 47th open browser tab, because you are not responding

I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand

“how can you be single?”

*smirks*

gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out

“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”

The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together

My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!

Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.

I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.

Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex

Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.

BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple

Just show up everyday and be consistent.

Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.

Lol.