Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon

Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.

*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*

My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!

PLEASE do not tell my husband

*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*

There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.

A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty

My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”

Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.

Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING

[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now

[dinner time]

me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?

kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make

Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.

“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.

Sending in my taxes

If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.

Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!

I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.

Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games

Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.

U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.

ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.

Good questions to ask on a first date:

*Do you have any siblings?

*What was your major in college?

*Is that your original skin?

*Do you think the humans suspect anything?

*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?

*What kind of music do you like?

Etc.

By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.

Whoever came up with the name parking garage really nailed it.

My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?

Very good! 👍😂

He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.

My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.

A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.