Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

don’t ask me what my favorite tiktok is. that’s like asking me my who my favorite child is. i’ve never seen any of them before and i don’t know what they’re called

Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather

I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.

I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad

A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.

Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.

Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?

a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.

Breakfast for Stoners:

If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.

*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*

u can always tell when a man is dating someone new. why you going to aquarium and griffith observatory

[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”

Aww, thank u, son

“Mom, why did Dad leave?”

[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry

Caveman 1: Tell me a story.

Caveman 2: Once upon a time….

Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!

*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!

I have a box of thirdhand rice. My daughter’s friend bought it, but then he moved out of his apartment so he gave it to her because it wasn’t opened. Now she’s moving out of her apartment so she gave it to me because it wasn’t opened. I’m not really sure how I feel about it.

*draws a line in the sand*

*looks at the line in the sand*

*decides that it might be time to vacuum*

[first date]

OK don’t let her know you’re a snail

Waiter: Would you like some salt?

[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]

Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?

Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.

Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.

Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.

Aquaman: but-

Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.

going to get institutionalized does anyone want anything

My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.

“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?

Couple goals

most of being a woman is just removing exclamation points from emails before you send them

If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.

*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*

Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?

Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other

I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.