*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
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Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
why is the debate at night time. let’s get this thing started at 4pm. i don’t need to get riled up so close to bedtime.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
How about a scale that will sense when you’re about to eat something you shouldn’t and then yells at you from the bathroom.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
What they say: a glass of wine won’t fix your problems
What I hear: better have the whole bottle then