Watching Dirty Dancing as a teenager: Damn right nobody puts baby in a corner
Watching Dirty Dancing as an adult: That child needs to be handcuffed to one of her parents at all times
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Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
Cndnsd Mlk
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Me to my sister who just gave birth & is recovering from a c-section: “ok so it didn’t really begin to spin out of control until AP published a story saying he did NOT have sex with a couch”
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
Texas chain saw massacre is full of plot holes… what happens to the victims when they die? is there an afterlife?
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*