Watching Dirty Dancing as a teenager: Damn right nobody puts baby in a corner
Watching Dirty Dancing as an adult: That child needs to be handcuffed to one of her parents at all times
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I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
The Birdles
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
I called out to my daughter in her room and said I had an antique to show her.
She called out, “If I open the door, am I just going to see you?”
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Which wines pair best with gloating?
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”