[watching Disney movie]
Daughter: this movie is dumb.
Me: why?
Daughter: the bad guy just told the good guy everything he was gonna do through song.
Me: yeah lol.
Daughter: when I’m a villain I will simply not sing my evil plan out loud for all to hear.
Me: smart-wait what?
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I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
It’s been really good to have my son home for the weekend. I’d almost forgotten how sarcastic he is.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!