[watching Disney movie]
Daughter: this movie is dumb.
Me: why?
Daughter: the bad guy just told the good guy everything he was gonna do through song.
Me: yeah lol.
Daughter: when I’m a villain I will simply not sing my evil plan out loud for all to hear.
Me: smart-wait what?
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
I told my doctor I have a problem with my left ear.
“Are you sure?”
I replied, “Yeah, I’m definite.”
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
I was going to buy Oasis tickets but I found out if I set my money on fire in the backyard instead, I won’t have to pay for parking
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
