[watching Disney movie]
Daughter: this movie is dumb.
Me: why?
Daughter: the bad guy just told the good guy everything he was gonna do through song.
Me: yeah lol.
Daughter: when I’m a villain I will simply not sing my evil plan out loud for all to hear.
Me: smart-wait what?
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
I never needed anything more in my life
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
The dude who invented the autocorrect has died. Restaurant in piece
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
happy halloween
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
