Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.

what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?

thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.

i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name

Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming

An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.

Condensed milk is from dwarf cows

Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.

In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”

i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends

My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.

My memoir is titled:

“#2 (not a sequel)”

I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.

We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.

i may live alone but I keep the toilet seat DOWN in case a woman burglar needs to use it

Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.

I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.

Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car

Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?

Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.

~Me flirting

My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.

Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.

*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*

i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on

*fakes headache to get out of work*

*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*

[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt

I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics

[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal

Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”

Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”

Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?