[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
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Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
no, i mean. its great toast. i just didnt expect it to be french
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
what’s in a name?
I’ve been locked out of Tinder because of “unusual activity”. I must’ve got a match.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it