Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
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[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
Good dog. ❤️
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal