Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed

You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand order

I knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”

I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.

I was standing in the train station when some guy came up and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.

My text: Have a good day at school!

My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.

Stop being racist to kettles.

“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”

If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?

What to do when threatened by a bear:

1. Play dead.
2. No longer have to pretend.

Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years

Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??

Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved

[blind date]

Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.

Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*

*paints car camouflage*

*stops making payments*

Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.

Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:

-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat

Replace all HR departments with fight clubs

Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody

Me: We will leave in a little bit

8: After you put your makeup on?

Me: I have my makeup on!

8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty

Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.

someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.

*hits bong*

*abuses bong*

*bong calls bong protection agency*

*bong custody taken*

*bong put in foster home*

*bong misses old life*

Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun

So I ate some gummy bears.

Turns out they were my sisters “Happy” bears with 15mg each.

I ate exactly 37…

Stork: I have a baby.

Pigeon: I have the mail.

Canary: I have bad news.

Her: Put your finger on it!

Me: Like this?

Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!

-Making the perfect bow

We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids

[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.

Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.

*spreads rose petals on the bed*

[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”