(watching Elijah Wood in lotr, maybe the best casting in the history of cinema) Well that’s certainly one take on the character
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*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
the saddest jazz hands ever
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
the internet really was better 18 years ago
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
[ 35 years later ]
*sits bolt upright*
OMG SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH ME !
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.