Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
December birthdays be like…
I tried to stifle my laughter as best I could, but in my defense, you did have an interpretive dance at your wedding.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
thanks auntie mary
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
The news: Let’s ask a random idiot on the street what they think.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
