Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.

Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.

ME, 10: I want a big mansion

ME, 20: I want a cool apartment

ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest

People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!

amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday

I used to schedule naps, but now they’re little surprise parties my body throws at all hours of the day

I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.

Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.

Any big tech pitch these days: So you know how we all hate the things that make life worth living, right? Well,

I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties

My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.

Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?

me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon

Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.

When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.

A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.

My mom was a little overprotective. She made me wear a helmet every time I rode my bike. It was an exercise bike and I was 19, but hey, her house, her rules.

Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.

Logged into Facebook.

‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’

Logged out of Facebook.

My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!

What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???

Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god

Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog

ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism

LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.

Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk

Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*

Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.

Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?

[holding a baby]

me: uh so how long have you been a baby?

DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!

ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!

FAMINE: What did you expect?

ME: lol

WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!

ME: you want a sugar cube?

FAMINE:… Yes

Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”

me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!

Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.