Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
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I’m a carb girl, born and bread
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
That stupid look on my face, is my face
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me