Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
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3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
My daily affirmation
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.