Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
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Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
out-housing market appears to be strong
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
🤯🤯🤯
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
Previously On Persistence 😎
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
I just heard my husband quietly say to the baby, “you are really cute . . . do you think we’re cute too?”
Kermit goes Blue.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*