Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
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Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Forget tequila, I’m at the age where you can wake up with a hangover from Netflix
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
sometimes we need to be reminded
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Shout out to the lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*