Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Fancy restaurant)

Me: One food please.

Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?

Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?

Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.

This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.

I have nothing positive to report.

Except that roadside drug test.

cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen

: very

Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.

PRIEST: do you have the ring

ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd

*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*

Does this smell funny?

This feels like a whole lot of trolley problems for a country with hardly any public transportation

Sombrero is better than nobrero.

i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess

I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.

I have just finished interviewing a young man for a job at my workplace.

I asked him, “Can you perform under pressure?”

He replied: “Im not sure, but I do an amazing Bohemian Rhapsody!”

Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.

Guide to making everyone hate you:

Step 1) Turn your hat backwards

I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.

His mom got really mad.

I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.

inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO

[in a crowded elevator]

ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.

“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”

-inventor of Lucky Charms

ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something

[Later on date]

ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?

Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.

Fails drug test.

Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.

I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.

Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.

[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…

I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done

9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?