Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack

Her: I’m an only child

Me: There are literally billions of children

[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cards

HIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention

Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people

Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter

“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”

If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.

Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.

Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.

Neighbor: This is my nephew.

My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.

Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation

😉😝

Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….

You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino

Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently

I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.

{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?

them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait

How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.

Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem

My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.

My sex drive has a dui

When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”

New Year, New Me

New Me [looking around]: absolutely not

If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.

*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?

I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.

“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”

– People who haven’t met me yet

I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.

Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?