Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.

if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt

grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to

My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better

Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*

Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!

I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave

If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?

Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again

One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.

angel: where’d all the zebras go?

God: I put ’em in the desert

angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow

God: I know lol

Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered

My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”

*Creating bees*

God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.

Angel: Sure thing, boss.

God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time

The average person eats 8 spiders a year

*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”

6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.

That stung.

It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.

“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”

My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.

[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?

Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.

Be the reason why your local woods are haunted

Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”

That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.

Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.

I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.

Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.

Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.

What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?

Re-Morse code.

#NoRestForTheWicked

Pro tip:

Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.