[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
You Might Also Like
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
Big scare this afternoon. Was asked to identify a body at the Coroner’s Office after an accident involving the rotors of a helicopter. As you can imagine, I was so relieved it wasn’t Bob from ground crew. Bob had a head
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
I’d like to make a formal apology to whomever had to clean the Shake Shack restroom at HWY 35 and Pirate Cove Lane after my visit.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
can’t wait til they legalize outside
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
If you fart in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, would anyone- [text from wife: you’re disgusting]
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no