Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”

There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.

watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic

Realize this:

If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.

Fun things to try with your loved ones #32145

If you find yourself with a friend or a family member in an enclosed space such as a car or an elevator:

1)Release a ‘silent but deadly’ fart
2)Ask them, “Hey! Do you smell popcorn?!”

They inhale deeply…

Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!

We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move

Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.

If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems

That’s fair

Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?

4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.

I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…

Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings

I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.

For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.

a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)

Me: Who’s a good boy?

Dog: I thought we settled this.

I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters

Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.

“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”

“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”

Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!

Farmer: Yes I did

Farmer’s second head: WE did

My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story

[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain

Perfect

Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.

Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down

doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?

me: yes

doctor: and how about this?

me: yes

doctor: and what about this?

me: please stop kissing my mom

It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”

I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.