[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
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Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.