[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
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this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro