Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?

Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house

Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room

Not everyone thinks Cleopatra is beautiful…

But that’s how Julius Caesar.

Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.

the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit

[first day as a Detective]

me: omg he was invisible

partner: that’s a chalk outline

me: [under breath] and they stole the body

smh

all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.

“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”

*Kanye slowly sits down*

*opens fridge door, looking for friends *

It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis

would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this

The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.

[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]

her: *glares*

me: you’re late

[out in public]

Me: A kid is crying.

Wife: It’s not one of ours.

[we fist bump]

GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT

“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.

My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.

Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one

Today’s Times

Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One

me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally

If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.

Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.

This is bullshit!

[Ocean’s 14]

Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine

I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.

I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.

Care for your back

boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean

[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]

Thug: This is an arm robbery!

Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?

Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope

Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango