Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[joins a conga line]

me: I can leave any time I like

[someone joins behind]

me: oh no

COP: Are you drunk?

ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?

*walks in a perfectly straight line*

COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff

sad day today because:

1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.

Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?

Ruffles: bark!

Me: a word to describe shouting an order?

Ruffles: bark!

Friend: he’s just woofing

Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot

Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.

so awkward to break up with a friend at the Renaissance Fair who is the back-half of your Centaur costume 😥

If you thought the debate was bad, you really won’t like the swimsuit competition.

Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose

These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.

18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.

Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.

If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.

Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?

Aw cool firepit!

Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰

[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵

I never put a pair of socks together when I put them out to dry, because I think it’s nice for them to socialise with other socks & have some time apart. They’ll appreciate each other more when they’re back together.

Sometimes I think working from home may be affecting my brain.

is this a warning or an offer?

History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”

You mean like NOW?

if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours

Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.

What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.

What I heard: You should go shopping.

I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.

-me watching hockey

you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid

Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do

*do a little dance*

*make a little love*

*get kicked out of this funeral*

account balance: $1400

me at wendy’s: show me the square cows

my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kids

my quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden

I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?