Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
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“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Corn Dogs: Uninserted
What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
My problem areas are my upper arms & earth
Some questgivers in Cyberpunk 2077 give you ominous warnings like “DON’T keep me waiting” and it bothers me so much.
If you really want someone shot, something stolen or someplace exploded, you can wait for me to find a pair of jean shorts to complete my outfit.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
never compromise your values
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.