Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
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Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
just go to Settings → Privacy → Data → Do NOT Grind My Bones To Make Your Bread
make sure its switched to “on”
Got fired from Goldman Sachs for insisting that you can’t have a board meeting without charcuterie
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
I’ve laughed so hard 😭😭
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
Texas chain saw massacre is full of plot holes… what happens to the victims when they die? is there an afterlife?
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Someone came up to me today, holding a beer, and claimed to be the best ventriloquist in the world. But I think it was the drink talking.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
back to work
