Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
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Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
long distance relationships can work if the 4 of you all truly trust each other.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
Anyone really
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.