Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Here’s how I get my teen to text me back: I threaten to text his friends to tell him to text me back.
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I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.

Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.

Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).

I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.

The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.

ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,

THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.

ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.

THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY

BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.

Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”

God: I shall call this a tiger

Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever

BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!

WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.

First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count

Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.

I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.

Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.

son: *holding acorn* what’s this?

me: a tree

son: really?

me: in a nutshell, yeah

A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.

please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.

Me: I have a toothache.

WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.

Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away

Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer

Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy

How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant

I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!

[airplane nose dives]

*turns to kid behind

‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’

Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?

Me: I love you more than a flower loves the sun.

10: I love you more than a teenager loves her phone

Confusing my 12 year old..

12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?

Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!

12: So???

Me: I don’t wanna get wet…

12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!

All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.

Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.

Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.

What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?