*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
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I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works