*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
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I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.