Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.

I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?

I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep

I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing

I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡

Me: what do want for your birthday

Friend: just a gift card or some shit

Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it

Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.

A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress

Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?

Me: *checks Fitbit*

Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans

Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.

I told my doctor I have a problem with my left ear.

“Are you sure?”

I replied, “Yeah, I’m definite.”

The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.

Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to

ok I’ll buy 10 boxes

*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*

“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”

“Yes!”

“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”

Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.

“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in

damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about

Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.

It has been years and it never stops being funny.

Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight

Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart

When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.

Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.

doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.

chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS

I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.

Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser

cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*