watching gymnastics
You Might Also Like
happy friday
should i airdrop this to the person in the voting booth next to me
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
Howl 😭
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
animal planet had a show called “the most extreme” where they would do lists of animals. they did an episode on the deadliest animals. i was ten years old when i watched this episode and i cannot tell you how pissed off i was when they revealed that number one was “mosquito”.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
[giving cops my statement after my house was robbed by the breakdancing burglar] no music but he was still hittin that shit
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
beavers are so funny why are you a little rat doing hydraulic engineering
Lawyer: So after the kidnapper locked you in a box, you managed to escape, fought him, then got away through a wind tunnel while being chased. Can you show the court how this happened?
Mime artist: *cracks knuckles, smiles*
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.