watching gymnastics
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My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
That’s enough internet for the day
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
Flying is a luxury experience in the same way as getting a colonoscopy is one.
You realize you are privileged to be able to afford it, but that doesn’t make it feel good.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
*pointing at menu* this is nutrient free right? does this come nutrient free?
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
I’m writing a book of obitchuaries for all the people who are dead to me
Wind chimes are a bit like children. You can enjoy the sounds of your own but everyone else’s is like a cheese grater on sunburnt skin.