watching gymnastics
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me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
My family gathered to speak to me about my obsession with the Greek gods. Call it divine intervention.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
that wasn’t the question
what’s the point of liking a tweet if someone who is infatuated with me can’t see it and analyse what it means
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.