Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.

I dug a small hole in the Earth.

I did a handstand.

Im wearing the Earth as a hat.

Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.

Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?

Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.

How to draw a duck

i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.

‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.

Me *naked, singing into a shower head*

Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic

Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min

Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better

The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist

[Batman Begins]

BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think

ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce

So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.

Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.

Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.

Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines

The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”

How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”

Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.

Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.

[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.

Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’

Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’

Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no

What’s the point buying it then?

If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.

You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices

I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭

Text: How come you stopped drinking?

Me: Because I kept waking up with you.

Her: I hate you.

Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.