[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
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The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
best first i’ve ever seen
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.